Things we Lust for – why are YOU here (possibly meta theory 4.1?)

[Megan]

Another long Megan post. Move along.

Despite being kind of a sociopath I’m really interested in the people themselves who are here, and specifically why they are here, what makes them “play” this “game” and make their choices. I watch people and try to understand why it is they are acting the way that they do and it’s not until I can’t figure it out that I throw my hands up and say I DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS PERSON BRYAN/MIKE/etc. and ask someone to explain to me the finer points of human behavior.

@taysavestheday’s brief post yesterday about efficiency got me thinking last night about how he’s “playing.” Which – well, my assumption, not really knowing Taylor because I’ve only met him I think briefly in person once, so I’m assuming that he is performing these traits of his to an extreme – ok, so, Taylor wants a robot to replace himself so he could get more work done in the name of efficiency. I mean the number of levels on which this sounds like a bad idea is *many* but alright, we’ll go with that. It got me thinking again about the overall themes here – lusts, desires, the self, human psychology, philosophy, being entertained and not seeing what’s real – I’m paraphrasing badly here, I know.

Ever since Julie was offered the chance to go to the focus group I’ve pondered the question of what I lust for, because lust is a very strong word, and I couldn’t think of a THING I wanted badly enough to apply the term “lust” to it. And things I’ve wanted badly in the past have always been disappointments so I don’t really think that such a thing exists.

In reality.

But. Yes. There is a thing, and that thing is true presence, because I never experience it. Not because of our media or devices but because my brain doesn’t shut up. It overthinks and over analyzes too much. I know that everyone does this but it’s also quite possible that I do this to an extent beyond the norm. When I find something that shuts it off, that commands my complete attention, it’s…amazing. It’s a combination of peace and emotional breakdown and relief all at once. And it happens about once every 5 years.

The rest of the time, if I have to sit here and be a normal person with time on my hands, I have to sit and think about myself, and things I’ve done and said and who I am, and it’s too much. I get critical. I tear myself apart. I look at my work. I tear it apart. And so instead I work – not to achieve anything, which I suspect is Taylor’s side of the coin, but to attempt to abnegate myself in a way. Annihilation. It’s been at the root of my psychology since I was a kid. It’s buried in ALL the hallucinations I had during my sleep paralysis states. It’s at the root of my teenage obsession with vampires – I didn’t want to be one, I wanted to be prey. It’s what drove me straight to the edge play section of bdsm. Give me one moment where I am 100% unable to be anywhere else, where everything else is gone, annihilated, even the self, and I don’t care what the consequences are, just give me that.

Annihilation – it’s a fantastic book, by Jeff Vandermeer. It’s short and involves shadows and reflections and doubles – I don’t want to spoil it because the movie comes out this fall but…it fits with how I’m seeing things.

Taylor works obsessively for what seems like clarity – a purpose, a direction. To get work done. To achieve. With his head. Taylor sees a shadow/reflection/robot as someone who would help him get twice the work done.
I work obsessively to forget. To destroy. To not have to deal with who I am. To self-annihilate. With my emotions – not logic. I see that shadow as…maybe an experience that would give me that moment, even if it destroyed me. If it took over as me on the forums, would you notice?

But not with my “heart.” If it’s head vs. heart, I side with heart, only because I’m clearly not with the head. I side with heart because it’s the socially acceptable thing to do, because what I lust for doesn’t exist in reality.

I remain the skeptic. I know that there’s some emotional data on me that they have and maybe they will use it. That makes me a bit nervous.
(FOOTNOTE: Having said all of this out loud in some form to people before I do realize I sound odd. I am as stable as a person can possibly be. I drink rarely. I don’t use any drugs. I am not suicidal. Merely very emotional. I love my life, a lot.)

[Bryan Bishop]

A lot of what you say here resonates really hard for me, @coryphella. The truth of the moment = everything.

And as for the larger implications here, I think you bring up an interesting dichotomy that we’ve been dancing around. From the purely analytical side, an algorithm/bot that can replicate our work would do wonders for efficiency. However, it would also render us, the originals, totally obsolete. It’s the same way technology has always disrupted industries and made humans unnecessary – whether it’s manufacturing, or the near-future when self-driving cars will suddenly make all those convenient Uber and Lyft jobs vanish.

Efficiency unto itself does not serve humanity well. We’re a fly in the ointment. A monkey in the wrench. But it is also the mysteries of the human mind and heart – and the swirling questions that you describe as keeping you from being truly present in a moment (Anoch knows I know that feeling) – that distinguish us from being simple task completion machines.

Those feelings / uncertainties / doubts may be what are needed to help us all align against the forces that are trying to control us for their own purposes. Because they’re what makes us human, and not even Stacey Erikson was able to replicate them.

[Author]

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