4/24 F/B Post Tearing Ourselves Apart

It rings to me that sometimes you have to make decisions regardless of how people feel. Easier said than done, author unknown.

My first (self-centered) thought was that the first half of this quote, about ripping one’s self into pieces, was directed at me in particular, because it is known that I do this a lot.

The rest of this post I’m deleting because it’s just fucking depressing as shit.

That’s fantastic insight but I can’t articulate intelligently what it means to me and how I relate to it so I won’t even try.

I think the use of rip here is telling. Most people would willingly offer up a piece of themselves to help keep their loved ones, or even just those around them, whole. Sometimes it can be low impact, five minutes here or there to talk, other times it can be much more involved, but as long as it helps, it’s worth it right?

Ripping reads as an act of desperation to me, maybe it will help the stanch the bleeding and it will have been worth it. A small bit of damage to yourself to keep someone from completely breaking. But it may also be at the point where you’re trying to help someone all you can, but they’re throwing away your help or sucking up all they can. At that point, no matter what you give, it probably won’t make a difference. Taking a step back at that point may seem selfish, but destroying yourself doesn’t do anyone any good. And at that point the person you’re trying to make whole is the selfish one anyways, just taking and taking in an effort to make themselves whole.

I interpret this as, it is ok to help others be the person they strive to be, unless that relationship is toxic in a way that halts or hurts you being the person you strive to be.

Kinda like someone who wants help but won’t help themselves dragging you down with them. Aka a co dependent drug addict that hits rock bottom and crys for help “sometimes even violently” and you try to help them but they do nothing to change, except hit rock bottom again and cry for help making any time or effort that you put into helping that person spent in vein.

This quote has a personal impact on me and you all have dissected it perfectly in my opinion. This quote feels like a few of my past relationships. One in particular that was extremely toxic involving an addict and I almost lost myself completely trying to help him. I learned that you can’t change someome, you can’t help someone who won’t help themselves, and you can’t live someone’s life for them.

I also definitely have the tendency to put others needs above my own. So although I don’t see helping others out as bad on it’s own, when it starts to affect me negatively I really need to be able to look after myself first. We actually had a whole discussion in the office today about being able to tell our school principle no, or at least “well think about it” when she asks things that we won’t be able to fit into our schedule as a team.

Yeah I felt this quote enough to share it. Too many manipulative, abusive people in my lifetime.

This quote is quite painful for me. I have been trying to find a happy balance for myself, because I always give all of myself, to those that I am close to in my life and I always either am taken advantage of or used and spit out. I grew up with a mother who did the same thing. I watched her be the most compassionate and generous person I have ever met, and yet even her own family would take advantage of her big heart and she would LET them walk all over her. I knew that I never wanted to be treated like that, and especially not ALLOW it. I became a cold person who was heartless, selfish, and didn’t trust others. I hated who I was in that time and I knew that there had to be a happy medium. I went back to my roots, and started putting others before me, but also focusing on doing what makes me happy as well. It is still very hard to balance. I still get walked on, and I occasionally find myself reverting back to being cold. Making people happy makes me happy. I love doing something for them that I know will make them light up. What I’ve found is there are those people in your life that appreciate the sacrifices you make for them, and they are worth ripping yourself apart every now and then if it means they will be happy. They will always return the favor <3

@coryphella Hope all is well Megan <3

@maxzumstein – oh all is not well, but the above post is in reference to a normal state of being, not just right now. 🙂

Seems this is all about The Fixer Complex. I know it well. Sounds like some of you do, too. Some of us are just helpful and giving individuals by nature and that is wrapped into our DNA, and we do it because it genuinely makes us happy. But others of us see a problem and we are driven by a complex (another word for the Shadow) to fix it. This is often the result, to my understanding, of a deeper need to feel appreciated. For who would appreciate you the most but someone you help?

The problem, as my old film criticism professor used to say (he was a Jungian analyst, of course):

“Some people are shipwrecks that cannot be saved.”

Don’t waste time trying to raise a sunken vessel. That person needs to raise themselves up.

Now, excuse me while I fix this leaking pipe….

“You cannot give from an empty plate.” Being a first responder, it was one of the very first things we were told in the field by the senior staff. You can’t carry all their ghosts. There is not enough room in your heart to love your kids, your spouse, your hobbies, and all the dead and dying. It will kill you and those around you.
But it’s hard for most empathetic people to know where that line is, where manipulation begins and healing has stopped. And then, if we suddenly stop giving, the receivers freak out. I think the core of this quote here is about knowing your value. Because once you do know, it can never be taken away from you. You can’t be manipulated once enlightened.

and some people try very, very hard to keep you in the dark.

Nailed it @theladyj.

@kevin

In further news: And silly posters are coming too.

*feels smart and sincere*
<3 @wanda102

Thanks @theladyj!

Many of the comments resonate, for sure. For me, there is also an element of faith with this quote. If I have placed faith in someone and they then reveal themselves to not appreciate my willingness to give of my time, effort and my sincere emotional investment, all trust is broken and tension results. (A person? A business? This could apply to either.)

My time spent investing in a relationship is a choice I make, but if I am left, in the end, abandoned and the most basic promises or expectations are never fulfilled, then damage has been done to the relationship. (Even if I am, for some reason, expected to only recall and focus on the “good stuff” that has been shared.)

@theladyj

But it’s hard for most empathetic people to know where that line is, where manipulation begins and healing has stopped. And then, if we suddenly stop giving, the receivers freak out.

Giving of yourself is one thing, being taken advantage of is another. (I know, I sometimes have a problem telling the difference. And, sometimes when I voice displeasure at something, some people are shocked that I actually do have limits.)