Be FUCKING CAREFUL What You Wish For/Never Silent

This topic contains 3 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Lawrence Meyers 5 months ago.

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  • #29421
     Lawrence Meyers 
    Participant

    Darkness is here.

    This is painful to write and will be painful to some to hear.

    Perhaps our hearts are indeed meant to be broken.

    I will provide everything I can remember that is relevant.

    —————————————

    Yesterday kicked off with Meghan being placed in a no-win scenario. Let’s also remember that there had also been a good deal of reconciliation amongst people. Some tough love and honesty. Remember this. God knows I was honest when I wrote what I did. I meant and mean every word.

    Then I got a phone call, and as mentioned, it was traffic noise. Shortly thereafter, I received this Email, and the subsequent exchange:

    View post on imgur.com

    Do I want to walk down a darker path?

    “Yes, and…” That’s why we are here, no?

    I was fairly sure it was a set up, as I texted to @bcbishop, but I was game. Maybe this is the start of my new path, maybe it isn’t. First @C tried to gaslight everyone into thinking I didn’t reveal the entire phone call.

    But he said something, which I bleeped over at the time, and didn’t register it.

    “don’t be a “pox on this experience”.

    (Hold that quote in mind)

    As things got hot, I thought I would reveal the Email chain. But at that moment, I realized that was what they wanted me to do. So I said “Fuck it, destroy yourselves” and took a hike. This wasn’t a winning strategy.

    Except there was more to this exchange.

    View post on imgur.com

    Now, I ain’t gonna go “never silent” on this Email because, while I am exceptionally gifted at the self-important masterbatory Evil Villain monologue, I think maybe I wanted to keep this to myself.

    YES. I could have exposed the Email and outed the sender to you all. But that would cut me off from my own goal and this was likely a test to see how far I might be willing to go. As some of you unlucky folks know, “Truth or Dare” is a game I play to win. I take risks. I am borderline reckless at times.

    We ALL know I want to destroy BoS. I don’t need to explain the IG reasons. You know them, although I added one more today. Hewing steadfast to an ideology or an individual inhibits evolution. It’s happened way too often to me, personally. I’ve been fooled and duped countless times, and usually because my own stupid ego tells me that I have to win. So sue me for trying to impart the wisdom of the damned.

    The OOG reason (if there is still an OOG and I’m not convinced there is) is everything about BoS took me out of being present, in the narrative. I got frustrated with it. I got frustrated with what I saw as mindless devotion to something I personally did not care for. WTF is everyone doing??!!!

    So then I came onto Slack, as suggested, and offered to run BoS. Mind you, I had no fucking clue what I would do if people were crazy enough to agree. All it might do is signal that if people were willing to let the fox into the proverbial chicken nugget house, that BoS really was dead.

    I was, as expected, laughed out of Slack.

    I also sent another missive later that night:

    View post on imgur.com

    By “you delivered” I meant that I saw progress made towards what I wanted given what I called the catastrophic failure of resistance and immediate compliance instead. It seems to me that resistance really is futile. Call it BoS, or SoB, or Mike Gray’s Jolly Lubricated Horsecock, but there ain’t no resistance other than truly walking away.

    But I also assumed that being told to “get in the middle of it” was also a message for me to keep pushing this messaging. I wasn’t told otherwise. And so far, I’m being a good little compliant fatalist.

    So today @C shows up and when I ask why he lied about the phone call, he steered the conversation away from the phone call and to the Email – to avoid the “Why” question for one, but because I realize now in retrospect, this was step #2 in my aforementioned hellacious new path.

    Okay, I decide, let’s let the phone call lie drop. Let’s reveal the Email.

    Now, I was asked if it could be revealed. I was given a choice. Even my Email address was offered to be redacted. Again, a choice.

    I could have just said “no”, and the whole thing might flitter away like a pretty pink butterfly with feathers trailing from its ass.

    But like I said, I’m borderline reckless at times.

    So I went with the bolder selection. That’s what we signed up for. “Be bold, and mighty forces shall come to your aid”.

    A fake Email is released and before I can explain it, I am kicked off Slack. (If there are still any doubters, ask Cristen privately, and I will give her server access for a screenshot).

    This was designed to make it seem like I wanted to destroy my closest friends. To what end, exactly? That makes no sense, and it is easily proven false.

    The reason was that it was another shot across my of-no-importance bow.

    I pick up my kids, come back to Slack, make a joke about everything burning, and a couple of clever little insults that are apparently only funny to those who look down on clowns.

    HankJr1962 shows up and delivers a warning.

    Now, I’m thinking, “wait a sec. Is DLB actually pissed at me? Clint? Did I push things too far? Am I being more of a loudmouth opinionated arrogant FUCK than usual?”

    Here’s the part I haven’t revealed yet. Never Silent.

    Hank PM’s me right about then. We engage in a brief PM exchange.

    View post on imgur.com

    Now, regarding context. I can offer as much as you like, but I’m going to submit it with only one note because offering too much context undermines what I believe is being asked of me.

    Yes, I wrote the phrase quoted in this exchange by Hank, and this quotation was part of a conversation that was allegedly held in confidence with a “trusted” third party.

    I texted Clint at about 628 PM asking “Did I piss you guys off?” I was worried that anything that I’ve just relayed here had somehow been…whatever….BAD. I then received the NEVER SILENT phone call from a robotic woman’s voice saying “Never silent” over and over again about 5 minutes later.

    —————————————-
    Now for the hard part. How do I feel?

    I want to be transparent here, as I always try to be, because that’s the point, but doing so will actually further undermine what I believe the point of this horrific exercise is. I can give you a hint – Bryan referenced it earlier today on Slack.

    So I’m going to wait until things get worse and you can see me meltdown completely.
    ———————————————-

    Now, I MUST give you all a warning.

    Note that Hank sent me a PM at 606PM.

    I was away from the computer until I replied 20 minutes later.

    But in the interim – at 617PM – The Experiences posted a reminder on Facebook that we can opt out at any time. Clearly, that was directed to all of us, but at the exact moment, was meant for me.

    Be fucking careful what you wish for.

    Because I have a glimpse of the cave I am about to enter.

    And I am not kidding around here. I AM TERRIFIED. And I am NOT ready.

    And for all our nervous laughter, whistling past the graveyard, and jokes about dying….it’s time to sober up.

    Because. Shit. Just. Got. Real.

    I know I’m ringing the same bell, but maybe some of you understand that bell now.

    We are facing the Devil. And I really, really suggest you think long and hard about what is slithering out from beneath the cracked foundation under our feet before you continue. In fact, my advice is to truly GET THE FUCK OUT NOW. BoS cannot save you. Noah cannot save you. Nobody is coming to save you. If you are truly foolish enough to follow me, then you’d better be ready.

    “[W]hen one tries desperately to be good and wonderful and perfect, then all the more the shadow develops a definite will to be black and evil and destructive. People cannot see that; they are always striving to be marvellous, and then they discover that terrible destructive things happen which they cannot understand, and they either deny that such facts have anything to do with them, or if they admit them, they take them for natural afflictions, or they try to minimize them and to shift the responsibility elsewhere. The fact is that if one tries beyond one’s capacity to be perfect, the shadow descends into hell and becomes the devil.” (Carl Jung, Visions: Notes of the Seminar Given in 1930–1934)

  • #29425
     Sarah 
    Participant

    This answers a few things that I’ve been mulling over for awhile. I’m not sure how to feel about you being terrified. That is most definitely concerning.

    However, should we be so concerned about the Devil? Haven’t we faced our versions of Satan before? I’m not afraid of the Devil. It is a familiar foe. As much as I’ve been extraordinarily frustrated with the community lately, we are a group of survivors. Sometimes we succumb to darkness. Sometimes we are covered with wounds that are too many to lick clean. But, ultimately, we do manage to push through the shit. If there’s one other thing about this group I have learned is that we push. And we push. AND WE PUSH FORWARD.

    These messages of doom and gloom may be here to strike fear into most of our hearts, once the darkness arrives we will get through it. And, if not, I will pull myself together to make baked goods to heal the souls in search of sugar and all things bad for the body.

    • This reply was modified 5 months ago by  Sarah.
  • #29427
     Sam 
    Participant

    this is an actual question because i’m worried i missed something:
    Why are you terrified, @larry? What about getting what you wanted scares you from those exchanges?

  • #29428
     Lawrence Meyers 
    Participant

    @Sam, I am terrified about what path I think they are walking me down.

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