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The Queen of Hearts – The card of beauty, magnetism, affection and idealism. In the positive form, this card can represent the much-loved mother, the sweetheart, the indispensable sister, or the adored daughter. (In the negative extreme: see Alice in Wonderland.) Talented in some artistic line, even if it’s just in their appreciation of beauty or art, they are often intense and dramatic. They can be very domineering in the family. They are also capable of deep devotion and loyalty. There is a strong streak of religion in the Queen of Hearts and, as such, they are often influenced by strong minded women, religion or spiritual inclination.
For several weeks I knew that the woman typing to me as my confidant was Sabrina Kern. For whatever reason, she couldn’t tell me her true identity and that was fine by me. We wrote each other numerous times a week. Shared pieces of ourselves on an equal basis. Built a strong bond. I got to know Sabrina on a level I hadn’t been able to previously… the good, the bad, the human. I chose to view it as a gift. Thinking back on our conversations, I am left feeling the things she told me were very real for her. These were Sabrina’s life stories with some names and places changed to protect her anonymity. I feel @blondie and @rizzzoooooo and many of you can probably relate, right? Thinking back, does it still feel true to you? The stories your confidant told you and the friendship they gave?
I chose to live inside the confidant charade, waiting patiently for the day Sabrina could tell me the truth. For me the stress wasn’t in the deception, the holding back of a name. My stress was in the wondering… How did Sabrina get back here? what happened? Is she alright? (Please let her be alright.)
It’s funny because my confidant and I would talk a little about the events of last year. The bizarre tale of The Brotherhood of Seraph and how, in the final act, I was quite surprisingly presented with an offer in the form of a title: The Overseer’s Right Hand. The day I accepted that title I had explained to Overseer/Addison/Sabrina that I never wanted to take away her autonomy or her right to her own mind, I only wanted to be there if she stumbled, fell, or simply needed a friend.
I told my confidant about the young woman who became Overseer. I told her how this woman had escaped, but then I pondered… but, did she really escape? I expressed to my confidant that the not knowing still haunts me. One can physically escape a trauma, but that doesn’t mean they ever become mentally or emotionally free.
And here we are now. Sabrina standing front of house, explaining herself to us. Her quest for Anoch. Her realization that she lusts after that power and that spotlight she came into last year. Do we take her words at face value or do we suspect, reasonably, that much more is at play than meets the eye?
Last night, I wrote to my confidant one last time. I told her the only thing that has changed for me is how personal this has all become. I have never cared much about a bunch of cutthroat, power hungry “Kings.” I do care about my friend, my confidant, the one whose faith couldn’t be reprogrammed, Sabrina. I’m not wearing rose colored glasses. These are dark times. But, I made a promise to her last year and I intend on keeping it.
How are you feeling about Sabrina Kern today? I bet she’s watching. What do you want her to know?
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@electrichippo I hadn’t actually seen this when I posted… Seems like we’re in a similar situation with similar feelings. Interesting that our paths seem to be heading in a similar direction once again…
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Well if she doesn’t need the helmet and this is who she truly is then…. she killed Sadie. Back on enemy list. Fuck my homegirl.
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@shinobi Do you believe anyone actually died during Overseer’s watch? Or, was it all smoke and mirrors that even a brainwashed Sabrina believed were true in the moment?
Yes @blondie it seems we are. It somehow feels different though. Last year my convictions felt honorable. This year it feels like I could quickly find myself on a path right into the arms of darkness.
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@electrichippo It’s not whether a life was actually taken. It was the malice in which it was executed. The intent. Homegirl can fuck right off, even though we agree about cute puppies.
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This whole situation is really weird but I think at this point, Sabrina knows exactly what happened with the OOA and the actors and us. She knows that it wasn’t real. She understands that it was show purely made to gain data on all of us. During the time of tension and The “OOA”, I was heavy on the idea that we had to save her and get her out, but since then a lot has come to light showing that it wasn’t real. No one died, no one killed anyone… it was a show to use us.
BUT, that still leaves the fact that people were still hurt in the process. Yes, Sabrina was brainwashed using trauma and a “helmet”, but so were the other actors. However we’ve seen them since! We saw them at the book release party, some of them even are friends with us. How much of what we saw was real and how much was faked just for our data and emotions.
As mush as I’d want to say the reason I went back to the compound was to help everyone there, I’d be lying if I said Sabrina wasn’t the true force that pulled me back in. She knows what happened last year, but she still went back to them. I have nothing against “Anoch”, what I had a problem with was how they treated those inside the compound… and now those who were inside are now out doing their own thing. If Sabs, who was if anything the worst treated, returned to them… I mean, what’s the harm? We have and still are participating in all of this even after what happened last year, if anyone truly had a problem with what they saw last year I’d imagine they would just walk away. But why walk away when you know everyone came out of it fine and dandy.
Plus let’s look at the big picture here, RAISING A GOD?!? Yea, they’re still using us for our data but it seems like the end goal is to bring a god to life. I’ve yet to hear a tale of Anoch being evil, lmao anyone who has anything to say about the guy has always been positive.
Basically what I’m trying to say is this:
Sabs, I went back to help you and “save” you … but in reality you never needed (or wanted) saving. So as of now I take that offer back, but the offer to help will always stand. If you were telling the truth when you told us “I am Rain”, then I’ll always be there for you. I’ll always be ya boi, if you need anything… well, I’ll be here hahaI mean come the fuck on you guys…
Raising a God sounds pretty fucking incredible if you ask me. Let give this guy some flesh and see what all the hubba hubba is about. -
I also want to say this in regards to Sadie, @shinobi
Addison did that, not Sabrina. When Sabrina was finally taken out of the helmet, she learned it wasn’t real. I can’t blame her for the things that Addsiom did, I personally view them as different people. If I was brainwashed and then came out of it to learn what I did, I’d be fucked up. BUT THEN to learn what I did wasn’t even real and everyone is A-OK, I don’t think I’d be too pressed.
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@rizzzoooooo I look at Marty Rathbun as a parallel. He was a top dog, defected and disavowed. Now he’s back being a tool again. I’m not sure that brainwashing goes away. Sabrina is Addison and Addison is Sabrina. Being sympathetic to her will only reveal weak points for her to strike.
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Mhm very true @shinobi
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But like… Bringing a god back to life tho. Like I’m not even tryna get special attention from Anoch when he comes back! It just sounds pretty fucking crazy to help give a god flesh and blood again and like, I’m pretty down for that trip TBH -
@rizzzoooooo The closest you’ll ever come to that trip, brother, is by actually tripping. Which can be arranged. Otherwise, Anoch is bullshit.
And yes, I know you’re watching so allow me to repeat myself… Anoch is bullshit.
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@shinobi I suspect you’re far from alone in your distrust of Sabrina.
@rizzzoooooo I’ve never believed in a God, but what if I just never came across the right one? Anoch being real is an exciting (and terrifying?) possibility. -
@electrichippo As a responsible SP, I’m gonna have to do everything I can to make sure you don’t follow this false god. I care too much about you to let that happen.
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@electrichippo same tbh, I’ve never been a religous fellow, but then again I’ve never seen and/or helped bring one back to life.
If they need a lil help doing that, why not? I’m game.
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Sabrina as my confidant, was near polar opposite to the serious, ominous harbinger I talked with in Tension and the confident, mature, assured woman at the Confidant event. But to me, My conversations with Phoenix were funny. I think what was troubling is this: They seemed so honest. Sabrina put in work and she WANTS to put in work.
She has come to this conclusion and this is her identity resolved (for now?). For many, many people who have watched their love ones self destruct, this is a rough narrative. I don’t want this from her. And I want to help to save her. But clearly from Sunday, she is not a damsel. She doesn’t need us, she just needs something from us: Whatever they want. -
@rizzzoooooo I’m in. Will I need to recite faux (or real) Latin?
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There’s no better Confidant than a deity…
I remember growing up, reading the Bible and the Torah thinking the reason I don’t believe is because the stories speak of a God that communicated with humans…
I’m starting to understand what true salvation is all about…
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I have to admit, a lot of what Tom said about religion at the iConfidant meet and greet made sense to me.
I was brought up in the Methodist church and saw so much mean stuff done to others… But it was somehow justified because these people went to church every Sunday (although I firmly believe they didn’t read scripture or even listen to the sermons – they were there to be seen to be there and would spend the time thinking about all the chores they had to do when they got home…). I left the church for good about 10 years ago, but it was only very recently that I admitted I didn’t believe in God anymore.
I guess this was a large part of the reason I was drawn to BOS – yet again, I was seeing bad things done to people in the name of religion and this time, being older and somewhat braver, I wouldn’t sit back and let it happen. But from what I’ve seen, Anoch’s teachings are sound, in my humble opinion. This goes back to my conversation with Overseer at Ascension – we believe in the same thing. In principle.
I don’t think Sabrina is malicious. I think the OOA was cruel and abusive. The OOA is gone. Don’t get me wrong, I won’t stand by if there are awful things done in Anoch’s name. But for now, I’m staying open-minded…
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The OOA was fake. Nothing but a ruse to elicit reactions and to gather data. Sabrina, albeit brainwashed into being Addison, was the center of it–our mirror, our reason to come back. As @electrichippo said, she’s our ingenue. She elicited the most response from participants, and Tom realized this. Maybe not at first, but he did with time. It would be smart of him to bring her back. And it makes sense she would come back. This isn’t about doing cruel or awful things in Anoch’s name–to me, all of that is still a ruse. It’s a clever way to bait us back to saying “ohh cults, I want to join. ohh religion, I want to believe in something greater.”
But those able to look past the distractions see it for what it is. It’s nothing more than a series of facades created to make us feel. iConfidant feigns a connection with another person. The System makes you believe you can be more than a 2, when you’ll never be a 10. And even for Sabrina, The Tension Experience made her feel something–something real. And that is the reason she’s back. Just like us, we’re back because we felt something and we want to recapture that feeling, she’s back because she felt something and wants to recapture that feeling, and Horace and Tom are back because they want to recapture our feelings.
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@taysavestheday just summed up my thoughts on this way better than I could’ve ever put it. You should be a writer or something. Maybe for a website about these sorts of experiences?
Of course, if you really want to fuck with people, you make them think it’s all just pretend again… then put them in a situation that’s real. Work with the preconceptions of people to put them in line with what you want to achieve.
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@taysavestheday iConfidant “feigns” a connection? Maybe in some cases, but certainly not in all. You may have turned your back on Sabrina at the first whiff of a chance at power, but don’t pretend the connection you felt to her wasn’t real or I will be forced to creep into your room at night and tattoo the word “LIAR” on your forehead…
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Isn’t Sabrina the liar here though @blondie? Whether or not she was forced, brainwashed, or did this of her own free will, the iConfidant emails were all based on lies. My iConfidant told me they lived in Austin, had a girlfriend, etc. Nothing based in any sort of fact. All said in an attempt to try to gain my trust and emotional connection. “Feigned” is indeed a fitting word. Don’t take it out on @taysavestheday because he recognized he was being played by iConfidant.
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So Brownie told me she was a student in Boston. So what? She also talked to me about feelings and situations that I know are real. And THAT is the stuff that matters – the things that come from the heart. I’m not taking anything out on anyone. I am very happy. Just trying to remind my best friend that he has a heart despite his attempts to cast it aside. That’s what friends do after all, call bullsh*t when they smell it…
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Feelings and emotions in that situation may have been real, yes. But he mentioned feigning a “connection” and that’s what needs to be based on truth. Fiction can elicit real feelings, of course. That’s why we love movies and stories. But to have a real connection to a person there needs to be an exchange of truth. As someone who has been in a relationship before that was based on a lie, I recognize that there was no true connection to the person. When you find out the bombshell that the person you considered your girlfriend had another boyfriend without ever telling you, for the entire relationship, you learn pretty quickly the “connection” was to something that was never real at all. That’s what iConfidant was. It was all a front. Un/fortunately for me, I’ve already got experience dealing with things like this, feigned connections, so I can see the warning signs. This is why I cut those connections with iConfidant / Sabrina. The heart said “I want to keep talking with this person”, the mind said “Fuck no alert alert alert don’t do this”.
Sorry for the mini-rant, connections based on lies are obviously a touchy subject for me.
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@nothenrygale It sucks that that happened to you and I’m truly sorry. I’ve been lied to and hurt before too (haven’t we all?) and I built up a tonne of walls that I’m still working on breaking down for those insane enough to want to get close to me. But I’ve also learnt the difference between a necessary lie and a malicious one. If we all knew we were writing to Sabrina, it would never have worked. And although I’m not sure if it working was a good thing or not just yet, I am happy I got to know a little more of what is in Sabrina’s heart. If she screws me over then so be it. She won’t be the first friend to do that and I bet she won’t be the last.
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@blondie It is what it is. And at least that wound up having a great story of karma behind it.
Just yeah… I just don’t see how anyone could feel like they had a connection with someone who was revealed to have been lying about everything as an info grab.
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I’ve never met or talked to Sabrina. I only know her through her interactions with you guys, so I wasn’t sure what to think about her actually being all of the confidants. It’s taken me a few days to figure out how I feel. On one hand, I’m happy that I finally know who my confidant is, but on the other, I’m disappointed that the person I thought I was talking to doesn’t actually exist.
I think I’ll email her again and try to get to know her for real, now that I know who she is.
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I can sympathize with this completely, @izryn. The Sabrina reveal has brought up a lot of emotions for so many of us. In my case, having a history with Sabrina feels helpful and somehow comforting, for others who knew her this feels like an ultimate betrayal. If you never knew her that’s just one more black hole of confusion. But really, as Sabrina suggested herself, do any of us really know anything at all? Sometimes you dig your heels in… I did that last year. Other times you take a leap of faith… maybe this is my year to take that leap. Either way, I never wanted to see her hurt, and I still don’t. Sometimes the best thing you can do in the name of friendship is stand nearby just in case they need you to catch them when they fall. The faith business comes into play when I find myself falling and hoping she might catch me, too.
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