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Just to explain a couple of things since (maybe) we are in a chapter break (???) and this won’t disrupt anything in the feed…
My brain is working non-stop on Lust. Non-freaking-stop. This is new to me. The shortened chapter break does nothing good to that at all. I know that I’m FAR from the only one here but I’ve not been living smack dab in the middle of potential action for the last two years and I don’t have Buz or Bryan or Mike or Michelle nearby to go to when I need them. I’m isolated and I’m alone most of the time, and all of that time is devoted to being there for other people.
Chapter 4 and all the Mason stuff coincided EXACTLY with the first two weeks of the fall semester starting. Whether that was accidental, or a product of me being in Edinburgh, or planned, who knows, but it made for an…interesting…start to the school year. This past week and a half I’ve been trying to take stock of where exactly everything stands with work.
Two weeks from today I hand in my pre-tenure case and I’m freaking the fuck out. At that point I literally have NO control over my job anymore. I get to wait and see while other people discuss my fate. I’m getting lots of practice in releasing control this year.
If I’m distant, stressed, cranky, lashing out, etc. – that is why. If I’m pulling back from parts of Lust in which I’m not involved, it’s because of that. I need to compartmentalize when I can because clearly, I am NOT pulling out of the experience. I’m way too invested. Tension was over by the time school started last year so I was able to fully participate in everything and then put it aside. I don’t know *anything* anymore, I know what’s likely and I don’t want to say it because then I will be wrong and will look like an idiot, but I obviously have no control over when/where/how I interact with Lust, or how it interacts with me, so for two weeks I’m going to try to control what I *can*, which is the rest of my shit, for as long as I can. I need to appear to be a responsible, sane college professor to my CRC.
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