Here we go. What I Lust for is…

[Mustafa Said]

If this isn’t supposed to go here, I can take it down and put it somewhere else. 🙂

So, I’ve been meaning to share this ever since last Friday but never had the time to do so. Also, this might not be my smartest idea-I mean, I AM willingly giving up something personal about myself-I’m throwing out my own emotional data that could be used in a way to harm me. But, the last time I came clean and put something personal of myself out into the Tension Experience I was rewarded with a wonderful group of individuals who I care about deeply to this day. They say you only get out what you put in so I’m putting in as much as I can.

It all started with me recalling my video to Noah a while back and what was the one thing I wanted to do no matter what. I wrote down that I want to do what makes me happy.

Thing is, I honestly don’t know how to go about doing this. For those of you who didn’t know me from the Tension Experience, let me summarize:

I don’t have the best home life. I don’t live in a way that enables me to be happy as a person. The people I do live with aren’t doing things that are in my best interests. And sometimes we butt heads, we clash. Those don’t end well. No one gets hurt but nothing changes and that lack of change hurts, a lot. And all that lack of change has gotten to me-painfully hard.

Now, I want to change things. I want things to be different, not just for the good of myself but even for those that put me in this situation in the first place. Why? Because I’m just too damn nice. I wouldn’t be who I am if I chose to walk away from them.

So, what I lust for is power. The power to change things. The power to defend my autonomy from those that would want to strip it from me. The power to be whoever I want to be in this world.

I’m not sure what path I’ll be walking on from here on out, but at least I have a starting point.

• This topic was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Mustafa Said.

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