I can't stop touching this woman my colleague.

I need advice. I have a very strange situation to handle.I don’t know what to do? I am 53year old skinny short 5ft3 tall wrinkled face thin lips green eyes grayhaired soft butch single woman. People call me ugly alot of the times, and also make jokes about my looks. Ever since I was 14 people always call me names. I work at small accounting firm. Three months ago this new colleague started working there as a client manager. She is a 42year old 5ft10 tall heterosexual curvy hourgllass shaped attractive brunette. She has very large (huge) breasts and she does have a big butt. She has has very olive skin. Most of her outfit are satin pant and skirt suits satin coats and satin and silk blouses. She is always on high heels and full make up on. She is curvy, tall and busty, so many clothes tend to look sexier on her than on a thin person. She wears almost always her satin and silk blouses fully buttoned to the top combined with a satin skirt or satin pants. She doesn’t wear anything vulgar but because of her body type anything she wears looks tight on her. She is 5ft10 tall and and being well endowed well built and curvy always on high heels makes her HUGE! Standing next to me she looks like a giant. She is married for 18 years and she has a 16 year old daughter.

On her third dayat work she asked me I I would give her a massage because she had a sore back. This has now turned into a semi regular thing. I go over to her office and massage her shoulders and back while she is sitting in her office chair. Often i rub her back with my both hands while she is standing as i stand behind her. On her 5th day at work i said to her that i just can’t resist touching and stroking satin fabric because It’s just so soft and smooth to touch(that was just an excuse since she is always dressed in satin and silk clothes). She said that she doesn’t mind me touching her clothes. So since then i am touching her alot on a daily basis. I giveher long prolonged tight full hugs around her waist from the front side or back. If sitting side-by-side at her desk working i am leaning against her. Also often i slap her ass as a way of saying hi. Sometimes i hug her from the back and my hands will subtly go to cup her breasts a little. I often hold hands with her, whether I’m with her outside on the parking lot talking and we’re just standing there holding hands or whether we’re walking. Linked fingers, sometimes. I always link arms with her and walk leaning into her. I don’t know if she’s just messing with me because she knows I like girls, if she genuinely likes me. After work the other day I saw her leave work with her husband and daughter and I nearly cried. It made me feel so alone going back to my empty apartment.

As you can see, I’m all over the place. Any thoughts/advice? I am her only friend at work. Other women colleagues (all female workplace) don’t like her. She is considered by these women arrogant, upper middle class, over dressed snob. They are hostile and rude towards her. I am obsessed with her. I look forward to going to work almost only because of her ( i like my job too, but she makes my day). I love the way her perfume smells, the way she walks, the way she talks…everything. And she doesn’t really mind me touching her. Is there a possibility that she likes me? I’m just really attracted to everything about her, but she’s straight, and has a husband and a daughter. Should I tell her how I feel, or keep it to myself as to avoid making our friendship weird? I am very attracted to her. She says that she is 100% straight woman. What do I do? I hate that I feel this way. Maybe it’s just strict body attraction? I just can’t stop touching her. Often i place my hands on her breasts and move them in a circular motion while i am facing her. Also i always place my hand on her butt while i stand beside her. I constantly pat her lower back and touch her hair. I just can’t help touching her. And I don’t want to because she’s very straight. As i said standing next to me she looks like a giant. But for me the, taller a woman the better. I feel immensely attracted even standing next to tall,curvy, feminine women. Has anyone dealt with this? What kind of negative things can realistically come out of this? I am describing myself and this woman my colleague only for women here to understand the complexity of the situation. This is bothering me because I just can’t stop thinking about her sexually. I am going through hell at the moment. Now I’m worried that this makes me a creep. I feel guilty all the time and hate myself for getting aroused by touching and rubbing this woman my colleague. I don’t know if this makes me a predator. I don’t want to be a predator. I would never force myself on anyone. This touchable woman my colleague is the kind of person who refuses to work on her own for longer than a minute. Not only does she have dozens of questions and comments about EVERY SINGLE THING she is working on, but she will ask them one by one, interrupting me about once per minute. There are other issues, like the fact that she routinely (read: almost always) misses deadlines which pushes my and my coworker’s deadlines out creating more work and stress for us. Oh and the shit she does produce is almost always wrong so we have to double check everything anyway. She has good intentions but is a little needy. Over the last three months she constantly asks me for help with issues here and there that quite honestly take much of my time. I find myself helping her in some manner on 1/2 of her work tasks which has been getting rather frustrating.

This touchable woman always asks me what I did over the weekend. She asks me “Did you go out?” Or what did I do, where did I go, etc. It would be rather embarrassing to say that I didn’t do anything of note, but then again, avoiding these questions is becoming increasingly difficult. I think I’m ugly and you can tell me I’m beautiful but I won’t believe it. And that’s my problem. I’m so firm in my views and I don’t know what to do. Since childhood I have suffered taunts about being ugly,short and masculine. I suffered the worst bullying in high school, It was torture. One of the things I’ve noticed over the years is that I’m always attracted to heterosexual tall curvy ultrafeminine women that I know are unavailable.

It’s been a pattern since I was a teenager. There was this girl I was in lust (thought it was love then) with all through high school and I basically idolized her. The problem was I barely even spoke to her because I was so nervous around her. As a result I never really tried to date anybody else because I thought she was the one I was supposed to be with. This woman my touchable colleague is physically stronger than me. I am just a skinny, short, tiny, 53year old woman. She is always on high heels i am always in flat shoes. As i said standing next to me she looks like a giant. And I feel so guilty. I am aroused by rubbing her. I hate that i have grown accustomed to it. What is wrong with me? I often stroke,jiggle and squeeze her breasts and slap and rub her ass , in a joking/playful way. She is okay with that. Am i taking advantage of her? I am so confused with myself and i don’t know what to do.

I’ve posted it on here in the hope someone can understand me instead of just judging me. My other issue with this touchable woman colleague is the fact that she is SO codependent and needy. She is SO incredibly sensitive but of course pretends she is not. Expecting me to talk to her at work as much as she does with me. She makes passive aggressive comments when I don’t talk to her as much. I am not her boss and there was at least some communication between us that touch was okay. She said she is okay with touch, allows it, hasn’t expressed dislike, she isn’t avoiding me. There seems to be some understanding that we are both fine with how things are. Some people are okay with or simply like affection.

I’m honestly more concerned that she may be taking advantage of me. Maybe it’s not malicious, just how she deals with relationships. She might be giving favors to get favors. Some people are like this. It seems as though she targeted me from the very beginning. On her third day at work she asked me If I would give her a massage because she had a sore back. She asked me around 2 other women co-workers. When she walks in the hallway i put my arm around her waist as i walk beside her. Also she often hold hands with me when we are leaving work walking to our cars.Some of other women coworkers notice our behavior and they have a confuse look on their faces. There is no HR at work. My boss is a very successful local business woman. She has built her company from scratch. My boss is a 51 year old woman who has been divorced twice. My boss has a policy of hiring only women over 40. Other 14 employees are women in their 40s and 50s. They are rude and hostile to this woman touchable colleague. They’re all mean to her and leave her out. Most of these women my co-workers seem to think she is a stuck up overdressed snob. When she smiles at them , some simply stare back . Others just stare at her like she is an alien. And so most of these women my coworkers stay away from her. It’s gotten to the point where even if she tries to talk to them, they usually blow her off and walk away.

When this woman my touchable colleague speaks with other women our coworkers, she tends to be overly nice and I guess that comes off as fake which definitely doesn’t help the situation. She is radiant and touchable to me. I place my hands on her at any occasion. I gravitate toward her like fruit fly on a banana. I am too sexually attracted to her. I just can’t help myself because this is the way that I am, this is how my body react to her. Please don’t be grossed out. I feel so guilty but i just can’t stop touching this woman my colleague. I know this sounds strange and maybe even a bit sick to some. I am ugly. I can’t stand looking at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I will take long drives and just think about how sad my life is, how lonely I have become, the things I regret, and what I could have done differently. I do this a few times a week, drive and cry. It makes me feel better momentarily.

I haven’t been happy in years, I don’t see any signs of it getting any better. I see most people getting excited for the weekend, but for me, I get depressed. I have no girlfriend. I have no one. I have friends, and I have had girlfriends and a long term (12 years) relationship, but only because people tend to like me when they get to know me. I’ve never received compliments on my looks. It’s like my whole life is a struggle because of this. I never feel great or like a winner. I keep no pictures of myself. Sometimes I’ll take some with my laptop’s webcam or my cellphone, and when I look at them it’s really painful. I’ve taken pictures from every angle and every single one of them looks terrible.

And the problem is that I can’t stand to be in any type of relationship anymore because of that. I’m 53 now and the last time I went on a date was 2 years ago. Some lesbian women I’ve known for a while seem attracted to me, flirt or invite me to activities, but I remember how they looked at me the first time they saw me, and it just kills it for me. Maybe I’m vain and shallow. I just can’t get over it. My other problem is that since i was a teenager I am more sexually attracted to heterosexual ultrafeminine tall curvy attractive women. They turn me on. All the women I gotten far with were not my physical type. I just did what a lot of other dykes seem to do and adjust to what the market has to offer. But for the past three months I’ve been obsessing over this woman my colleague. I developed really strong sexual feelings for her. There is no HR department(it is a small firm) but my boss covers HR issues at work. I’m wondering if I really am just a creepy pervert. It’s making me so anxious and I just really need some nonjudgmental advice. I’m really panicking about this. I’m severely attracted to this touchable woman my colleague and i can’t keep my hands off her. I’m worried that I’m taking advantage of this woman. I didn’t think much of it at first. She is objectively very attractive, much hotter than any woman I’ve ever slept with. She says that she is strictly hetero and that just thinking about possibly kissing a female makes her cringe. She is extremely fashionable, elegant, glamorous, and classy She’s hard to avoid since her office is next to mine. I always hug her in full frontal hug pressing my face on her breasts. Since my face is exactly the level of her breasts and she is rather large i find resting my head on them comforting. She is okay with that. She even said that her breasts are a readily-available source of comfort for me. Part of my problems come from sexual frustration i guess.I’m painfully ugly.I am short and skinny. I don’t consider any of my facial features to be attractive in any way.I’d think this is all in my head, but looking back I’ve never had a woman call me anything like “cute,boyish , etc.” Is there anyone else who’s had a similar experience at all?I really don’t want to be alone. Not with this.I want to stop touching her and groping her but feel like I can’t.I am drawn to her. I am short skinny and ugly.My whole life i can’t attract the women i find attractive.When i talk to feminine women who look better i always fail with and really get no attention with them either really even when i constantly put myself out there with them. It really sucks. Please be brutally honest.Do you think i am a pervert?I have realized that when I get a strong enough urge to touch her, it’s like I become a different person.Why is the urge to put my hands on her so strong?I cant be the only soft butch dyke with this issue!!Has anyone else experienced anything similar?