To Mason

[Megan Participant]

So. Addison is the blond – hence all the references to his hair.

He’s my competition because you want to manipulate him, you see him as another challenge, another puzzle to solve, or something.

I have no idea what my talents are, other than apparently alienating people who care about me. You did say, I believe three times, that I am brilliant…so I’m going with that.

You told me in the last call (not the last one, the one before that) to “be good.” You then said “or, be bad” as if that amused you. I don’t know which category this post falls under but it’s probably one of them.

Yes. I’m afraid I’m not wanted, to answer your question.

People – not associated with all of this – have asked my husband “why aren’t you putting a stop to this?” and his answer is “because I’ve watched her ratchet up the control for years and put up bigger and bigger walls until no one can get through, and THIS is getting through.” Right now, this sucks. Feeling things sucks. And I’m about ready to go hide and figure out how to feel nothing again. My entire life is a performance of being ok so that everyone around me doesn’t suspect that I’m teetering on the edge of anything. I have to perform “ok” for my students and my colleagues, who can’t know how involved in all of this I am. I have to perform “ok” for my husband and friends (who aren’t anywhere near me) because they would prefer I stay the same stable, emotionless person I’ve been for a decade because it makes them comfortable knowing I’m not about to have a breakdown. They’re afraid of me now, because I’m feeling things. My entire life is about providing emotional labor for them. Making them feel ok about things I want to do.

So, I’m admitting defeat. You’ve known for some time now that I will do anything you want. You hold the whip, as others have so…eloquently…put it. Here’s me publicly owning that. I have never been able to figure out what you want from me, and I have never believed that you had any kind of romantic interest in me. You wanted me to let you in my head, and you got that. And that was truly the only time I was doing something for myself and not worrying about what someone else thought of me. If you’re done with me and Addison’s your new pet then you have fun with that. But this is not what we discussed. You are not holding up your end of that agreement.

So much love,
Megan

[Megan Participant]

To Mason. Or, Not!Mason.

I’m going out on a limb here with these posts.
I am well on my way to giving zero fucks.
If I’m wrong, I’m wrong. But I think I’m starting to connect dots that others aren’t.

If I fucked up last week I am sorry. It was truly the first and only time. Give me a chance to show you that you can trust me again. My sense based on things you’ve said recently is that I’m not “escaping this clean and uninjured,” right? You’re not done with me and you’re planning to make things harder for me, otherwise you wouldn’t have started what you did on the last call. I’m not even sure I’ve been talking to “Mason.” The person everyone on the forums has been describing as Mason for weeks now has borne no resemblance to the person I’ve spoken to on the phone, but maybe the guy in the video did?

So I am now at odds with friends over you. Do I now have to beg and/or humiliate myself in public on these forums in order for you to call? I am so not in the mood this week and if you’ve done 1/10 of the research you claim to have done on me you know exactly why. You said you’d be there for me when the others weren’t. So.

Please call. Please.

Much love,
Cassandra.

[Megan Participant]

Are you back?

[Author]

Posts