June 11, 2017 at 5:31 pm #16717
There’s a reason that “read more” link exists and that reason is this post.
I have a lot of emotions right now, mostly due to the fact that I am working on Mary Poppins. Have you seen that movie lately? I haven’t, not in about 20 years. I need to rewatch it. I didn’t because I wanted to approach the stage musical completely fresh and I’m glad for that but it means I’m hitting the same moment in act 2 every day and losing my shit, crying. It’s the scene between Bert and Mr. Banks – “A man has dreams of walking with giants…” If you know the scene and you know what I’ve been through in the last six months then you know why I’m sitting here crying.
(ok close friend just walked in on me crying and talking to my cult friends…have to pause to explain to her why and why it connects to Mary Poppinsmylifeisweird)
The last time I saw Sabrina/the Overseer she absolved me of my sins. It didn’t really impact me at the time but 12 hours later on the plane home it hit me and I cried. I didn’t think I was confiding in her all this time. I know that was a theory that some had, but I didn’t think that she was my confidant. I never felt “good” enough last year to really warrant an interaction with Addison/Sabrina/the Overseer. It made me sad. But it was obviously not for me. I knew where my connections were. I knew the handler I connected to. And FFS, Aleister. Sabrina wasn’t for me. I can’t really say that I connected too terribly much with my confidant. I could tell something was weird, she wasn’t telling me about herself, but I held on to the hope that maybe there *was* another person that I would continue talking to. She told me that I mattered to her, and maybe that was true. My therapist is awful and I yelled at her the other day so basically I said hey, free therapist, and started emailing all that shit to my confidant instead, opening up, knowing that it wasn’t a two-way street.
It being Sabrina…for me confirms that. Sabrina is not for me, not in my head. She’s Morgan’s or Russell’s or Kim’s or probably many of the new people’s, but not mine, never mine. The only time she ever spoke to me, I was on trial.
And wow, the things I could have said but didn’t. I am a terrible human being and I wake up every day trying to be a halfway decent one (Mary Poppins: “my character is spit spot spic and span” <– I have a long way to go). But I read back over my emails to her tonight and thought I might be a better person now than I was a year ago at this time. I mostly talked about work. Why am I working all the time. All. The. Time. Because it’s a problem I have, and it’s taking me away from things that are important, that I came so, so close to losing (“you’ve got to grind, grind, grind at that grindstone”)
My closest friends in my life all stayed in New Hampshire and raised families or cats. They think what I do is awesome but their lives revolve around their kids. Or cats. Or became ninjas in LA but we don’t talk about her. They all have this awesome work/life balance and either aren’t on social media at all or post video of fun things like hiking and travel and….
While it was mirroring, and artificial…my confidant for a period of time was someone in my life who knew that my work consumes me and that things right now are stressful to the point of breaking and I don’t know how to stop it.
I’m sad that it’s not going to continue. They got what they needed from me, which of course they did, they got it from all of us – we saw that coming – it wasn’t real, we knew that. But it turning out to be Sabrina is like…well, I’m not a popular kid. So of course it wasn’t real.
(NO THIS IS NOT THE SAME AS DESTROYING MY HEART)
June 13, 2017 at 3:56 pm #16841
I missed this post in all the Sunday hubbub, but I wanted to say: thank you, @coryphella, for always being so incredibly honest.
There are as many ways to experience LUST (or TENSION, or whatever happens to us next) as one can imagine, and none is better than the other. But the one that has always made the most sense to me personally is the simplest: be emotionally present. Not strategize. Not deconstruct, like I’m watching an episode of LOST. Just be present, be truthful, and be within these moments and have the courage to let them impact my life and my emotional state of being. In essence, to trust.
I know you’ve written a lot about how hard it would be for you to have your heart destroyed, and it always seems it’s because you come from a similar place. You can’t fake it. You can’t stir up emotion for fun. You can only be truthful. And I think there’s a hell of a lot to respect in that.
I’ve been thinking back and forth about the Sabrina of it all as well (and like most of us, I’m sure, emailed her/my confidant yesterday). The very obvious hints that she was Addison — and I think we all got them, whether we realized it or not — were a trick unto themselves. It made it easier to trust the person on the other end of the email chain, and while there were a lot of ways to respond to yesterday, I’ll admit that I largely felt relief. It was good to see Sabrina again. She’s made choices I don’t agree with, and done things that were deceptive… but at the same time, I can understand why. Seeking validation? I’ll go there: I get it. If we’re honest, I think we all can. But learning what she’d done didn’t change the fact that I was still happy to see her return, just as I would a family member that had done things I didn’t agree with.
The funny thing about iConfidant is that it was only rewarding if we willingly invested. We never got anything real back; it was always just a reflection. In a sense, it was a test of our willingness to invest emotionally — our willingness to trust. It turned out in a way that was confusing, upsetting, and changed my perspectives on more than a few things. But those emotions — no matter whether the “family” will feed on them or not — were real, and I’m so glad I invested so I could experience them.
What we’re in the middle of can be described in a lot of different ways, but more than anything else it is an act of sheer will. We choose to be part of this thing, and by taking part and giving ourselves to it we give it power, let it transcend and become something far bigger than anything The OSDM, the Sinclairs, or even Darren Bousman and Clint Sears could create on their own. And all we have to do is believe, trust, and be vulnerable.
I don’t know what’s coming, but I want to keep feeling it. Sabrina was honest with herself, and she found something powerful in her return to the Church as a result. Perhaps some of us can, too.
June 13, 2017 at 4:16 pm #16842Anonymous
@bcbishop What did Elizabeth whisper to you when she interrupted our Disney conversation at the bar?
June 13, 2017 at 4:18 pm #16843
June 13, 2017 at 4:23 pm #16844Anonymous
June 13, 2017 at 4:24 pm #16845BlondieParticipant
@coryphella @bcbishop This is a beautiful, touching and incredibly articulate thread and I thank you both for your feelings and insights. I know some people know exactly where they stand and how they feel right now, but there is a lot of uncertainty for a great many following Sunday’s revelations. Being so open and honest is brave and admirable. Kudos friends ❤
June 13, 2017 at 5:23 pm #16848
@blondie My feelings are always kind of complex and I find myself connecting Lust/Tension to other areas of my life or other projects I’m working on and wanting to write about that..I never know how it’s going to go over. Not being there, and not having felt I had much of a connection to my confidant, I was surprised to have a reaction.
There’s a lot of introspection that goes on for me with Tension/Lust and especially with the “what would it take” question about destroying my heart that we’ve talked about, @bcbishop. There’s actually a direct connection between my reaction to this (which is mild) and my reaction to Aleister (which wasn’t) that I hadn’t realized. And we’ve talked about…what do I lust after, and that answer being much more complicated and weird than most. I don’t think there’s a generic puzzle piece formula that fits me in something like this. The head/heart discussion as it currently stands doesn’t fit me. Like with most of Tension, and most things in general, I look for where I can mostly fit in and I hang around there and wait to see if something I can connect with does come along. I invested in iConfidant as much as I could, for as long as I could.
Restrictions were going to be removed – what does that mean, now? Is that just…gone? Has anyone heard from Sabrina? Bryan? I don’t expect to hear from her at all certainly. I’m sad about that and trying not to be.
Kim said the other day about how she saw the potential for a path for herself that could lead to darkness. Most of the time I’m pretty sure that the only kind of “path” for me here is a dark one, in the darkest timeline. But I don’t think something that dark exists so I’ll stick with “heart” for now.
June 13, 2017 at 6:48 pm #16851
June 13, 2017 at 7:00 pm #16852
@electrichippo – You think? I thought that since they answered @mike‘s question in the podcast that meant they were done with him. Regardless it’s not *that* so much as connection – the one on one conversations that are actually human, not feigned or performed but allow for real exchange and connection. Not performed. It’s why I joke and give @bcbishop crap about being a plant in my own life sometimes, because his friendship came along at way too convenient a time to not be totally suspicious…
Guys maybe @bcbishop is Aleister.
June 13, 2017 at 7:20 pm #16854Kimberly StewartParticipant
I do think Aleister could make a comeback, even if just a brief explanation of what really became of him. He was such a constant presence last year, and well liked by so many, it’d be a disservice if he was never heard of again.
I don’t think you’re alone in your need for connection, although I’m sure we have various ways to define it. I know I need a connection. For me, for example, it can be a direct relationship with someone (such as my confidant or Stacey), or it can be the ability to commit to an idea (such as my belief that OOA was an abusive organization). It has to feel real and genuine or it isn’t as effective. These connections gives me reason to care, which is my impetus for being present and feeling all the things, which is ultimately what I’m looking for.
June 13, 2017 at 7:45 pm #16856
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