August 10, 2017 at 8:26 am #22226ChelseaParticipant
Fuck. Fucking fuck fuck fuck. In hindsight, the tomato juice wasn’t so bad…August 10, 2017 at 8:30 am #22227KevinParticipant
Well that was a blast. You guys are going to have a lot of fun today.
Hope you enjoyed it @maddyxxx, I definitely didn’t. Maybe it does feel better on some level to admit it to people who aren’t myself though. And at the very least I won’t carry around the worry of doing that all day.
https://www.periscope.tv/gossettkevin/1jMJgPnNyLwxLAugust 10, 2017 at 8:37 am #22228CaraParticipant
Well, I just woke up to a periscope of a friend I care about sharing a deeply personal and troubling insecurity. What a *fun* task! >:-(
@kevin That was poignant and brave of you but I wish you hadn’t been asked to do that. Just know that you don’t have to please anyone but yourself. Your friends will accept you for who you are AS IS.
@maddyxxx I hope you’re enjoying this dangerous little game of yours. I’d hate for someone to actually get hurt in this process. I hope you have a really good reason for this…August 10, 2017 at 8:37 am #22229Winston SmithParticipant
@coryphella Maybe the problem isn’t those things that you hate about yourself, but *THAT* you hate yourself in the first place. If you’ve been fighting it for 20+ years, and gotten nowhere, does that mean that it’s an unwinnable fight, or does it mean that your strategy hasn’t been working, and that it’s time to try a new one? You *CAN* find happiness, it’s not an impossibility. You’re never going to wake up, and think you’re perfect exactly the way you are. That’s ok. Life is a struggle against dying. Whatever problems you have in life, you’re not being eaten by lions, and you can shit in a porcelain bowl. Life is pretty good, even the shitty parts.August 10, 2017 at 8:40 am #22230
@maddyxxx – No, it’s not that simple, and that’s not how it fucking works.
I am not asking you to fix me at all. I never once said that.
You do it, own it, you live in it and make it your fucking bitch. The end.
I believe that’s what I just said I did. I am in no fucking way admitting defeat. Coming to a point in life where moving forward and living life becomes more important than fixing one’s self is NOT admitting defeat, it’s growing the fuck up. I don’t want to endlessly wallow in who the fuck am I questions or naval gazing what is my identity bullshit. I don’t care. I would *love* to relax. I would love to not hate myself for everything I’ve done for the past 40 years. It’s not going to happen. I can spend the time and money and effort trying to fix that, or I can move on and make art.
It’s THAT SIMPLE.
Don’t do it, don’t talk about it, silently admit defeat then watch and listen to others, passively.
It’s so adorable that you think I’m passive.
It’s cute that you make fun of me for enjoying the meta, for being an academic, something that I worked my ass off for – something I don’t actually *have* to be, given that I’m also a professional, normally it’s one or the other, but I’m both. So fuck off.
And you can think I’m mediocre all you want. You’ve done little to impress me yourself. And while I’m busy hating myself I’m also getting shit done on a level you’d envy.
Is that what “no whip” means to you? Because releasing control is not being passive to me. Stepping out of the “half in half out” whatever you want to call it to the “no whip” side does not mean defeat and passivity to me. I am in control of my life to an extent that it exhausts me. I *dream* of releasing that control and *can’t*. Because if I do, shit falls apart.August 10, 2017 at 8:47 am #22232Bryan BishopParticipant
This was a little more challenging than I think I expected.
Been talking about this particular thing I hate a lot lately – either in therapy, or with friends, or with my wife. Fear of failure –> self-sabotage –> increasingly devalued sense of self worth despite the good things in one’s life –> more fear of failure.
It’s a fucked up loop, but talking about it helps. So does recording it and sharing it. When you lay it out and put it down, it becomes a little less scary.
I’m sure I’ll get pissed at you again soon enough, but for now: thanks, @maddyxxx.
UPDATE: Since we’re all spilling, as I post this I’m realizing how much this also ties into a need to be liked / get approval. That’s not so great either. But writing it down here makes it a little more manageable.
August 10, 2017 at 8:55 am #22234MaddyxxxParticipant
- This reply was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by Bryan Bishop. Reason: Bonus revelation
@maddyxxx good start. I see we have the whip… Fuck me indeed. I like it. As for the rest, can you prove it? Are these beliefs you hold so very tightly to facts?
“I am in control of my life to an extent that it exhausts me.” Can both of those things actually be true at the same time? You tell me.
From here on out let’s make a periscope, do the deed OR, no more talking. For now.August 10, 2017 at 9:08 am #22235Buz WallickModerator
That was difficult.
Coffee is everywhere.August 10, 2017 at 9:09 am #22236Nicole MaeParticipant
I’m traveling for business, so yesterday’s task wasn’t for me, but this task…. This I can do.August 10, 2017 at 9:12 am #22237Winston SmithParticipant
@coryphella Let’s say you’re the world’s best plate spinner. You’re fucking great at it, nobody else even comes close. You’re out there on the stage, spinning all those plates, the audience is gasping in amazement. Great, you’re the best in the world at spinning plates. But, does keeping all those plates in the air make you happy? Are you so busy spinning plates that you don’t even have time to appreciate the audience’s enjoyment of your performance?
You think that if you let go of the reins, everything will fall apart around you. Why? The world was spinning before you got here, and it will keep on spinning long after you’re gone. It’s not your responsibility to make it spin, it’s going to do that all by itself. Your responsibility is to enjoy the ride.
I work in IT, my responsibility is to manage the infrastructure that the entire company is built on. All of it rides on my shoulders, it’s a huge responsibility. If it falls apart because I go on vacation, you could read that as me being indispensable, a resource so valuable the company can’t be without it for even a week. But, that’s not actually the truth. The truth is, if the joint collapses because I went on vacation, then I failed at my job. If I can never look away from those spinning plates for even a moment without it all coming crashing down, then I did something wrong. How will I ever make progress on anything else, when 100% of my attention is focused on plates? Life is more than keeping plates spinning.
When you let go of those reins, people are going to make mistakes. They’re going to do things in a way that’s not exactly how you would have done them. You will think this is a problem, but it’s not. A good parent doesn’t control every aspect of their child’s life in fear that the moment they stop, the kid will do something stupid. It’s a kid, it will do stupid things. Your job is not to make them survive, it’s to *teach* them how to survive. You’re not playing them like a video game, trying to reach the “good ending”. You’re trying to teach them how to play the game themselves.
Having control over your own life is a good thing, but needing to control every aspect of your life is just not achievable, or desirable.August 10, 2017 at 9:27 am #22238August 10, 2017 at 9:28 am #22239KyleParticipant
Alright, @maddyxxx. I did it.
Someone will have to tell me if it’s good enough. I’m not sure I expressed myself well, and I fear I rambled a lot. So, if it doesn’t feel like enough, someone tell me and I’ll have another go at it.
Whew… that was not easy.August 10, 2017 at 9:35 am #22240August 10, 2017 at 9:36 am #22241
And it’s coming down in 24 hours.August 10, 2017 at 9:38 am #22242
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