October 27, 2017 at 2:35 pm #26646
October 27, 2017 at 3:14 pm #26649MelissaParticipant
Here’s a transcript in case Morgan’s video is somehow deleted. If there’s a correction to be made let me know privately.
Apparently in my last video uhhhh worried a couple of people. There’s a lot on my mind. I’m so sick of not being able to join in stuff for you guys. Can’t play games. Can’t even fucking talk to you anymore, really, can I? Can’t meet you for drinks. Or whatever shit food that you’re eating at horrible bars these days. I just sort of exist. Near you but not with you. Sometimes, a few friends reaching out is all it takes to snap you out of….whatever it is you’re stuck in. Sometimes you can’t snap out of it at all. Frankly I don’t know what to feel anymore. I just watched back the video I made earlier, it’s garbage. This isn’t going to be a good video. Don’t watch. This one is going to get pretty bad.
((ducks quacking)) This is the park I grew up at. And this…..is the busiest streets in Eastbourne. Apart from now, of course. A friend asked me earlier to turn off the part of my brain that’s always beating me up. Making me think things that aren’t true. But, those parts of my brain are such a huge part of what I am now. I guess if you’re able to see me tonight I got to have this light RIGHT in my eyes. Probably makes me look like shit. Who cares.
Alright ((burp)) it’s time for some fucking truths. The Midnight Commission was fucked up. No I didn’t tell people it was me. A lesson wouldn’t have worked if I had. And there’s a lesson that some people STILL miss. Here’s another truth: a lot of the friendships that I lost and a lot of the relationships that were damaged have not been repaired. And what’s crazy to me is people want to talk about the game, what’s in the game, what’s out of the game. None of that was a fucking game to me. But because I am no longer a participant people….. people felt nothing except tearing me part. NOTHING. Some people blanked me when they walk past and have been for months now. You know it’s weird I had so much to say and now I’m sitting here with a fucking light in my eyes and….I just feel numb. I….hmmmm (pounds head) yesterday I said that I didn’t know why I was making that video. Today even less. I have no idea what I am. I guess it’s hope. It’s hope that someone watching this might feel something. Just might feel fucking something.
Here’s the crazy thing you know when Noah was making everyone make all those fucking videos? I felt so….sad. I felt so sad and so excluded because I couldn’t take part and I just wanted to reveal something of myself. I wanted people to know me. That’s all I ever wanted. I just wanted people to know me a little more. And…I couldn’t. I couldn’t say anything. This hasn’t been easy. It was fucking tough just watching them. What was beautiful was seeing you learn to trust each other. Learn to come together and learn to believe each other and learn to support each other and learn not to forget each other’s blind spots. But throughout most of fuck-knows-how-long this has happened I have gradually been forgotten. Not, not just in a literal sense but who I am, who I was. Fuck. That happened immediately after the midnight commission. People actually asked me if I have ever been their friend.
((laughing)) I mean this is pretty crazy I guess. When I started this video I thought it was going to be uh…..pretty violent. I thought I was going to uh…properly lose it tonight. But, ((laugh)) it’s not physical anymore for me it’s all mental it’s all in the heart. And in the head. And that’s a silent death. Some of the people watching this: our friendship is fucked. We’ll never be friends again. We might know each other. We might be cordial but I’m not going to trust you. God know you probably won’t trust me.
Was it worth it?
But maybe what I gained is no longer important. Actually lemme scratch that: what I gained is no longer important. Nor is what I lost.
What did you gain?
I’m sorry. I’m sorry to everyone that was upset or hurt from things that I did. I want to do my own fucking Noah video. I didn’t get a chance and nobody can fucking stop me now so here it goes. I fucking hate myself. I have for as long as I can remember. ((ducks quacking)) even that cunt is laughing at me. So when BOS came back…. nobody could have predicted the reaction that it got. Or that I have gotten since. Part of me could have predicted it…. and I did predict it. I should have thought about this Noah video thing before I started.
The idea of BOS (((LOUD BURP))) was to take people like me. People who doubt themselves sincerely. And give them one thought: (chucks bottle) Believe in yourself. Believe in the power of you. Believe that you can change things. ((whistles unrecognizable tune)) ((drives in car with no audio, just a half-smirk that leaves me the sense….what is he going to do))
October 27, 2017 at 6:35 pm #26651
October 27, 2017 at 5:54 pm #26650Meghan MayhemParticipant
I posted this in Slack, but I think it belongs here too.
Some people focused so much on trying to convince themselves its “just a game” that they were willing to tear apart a good man for the sake of “playing a character and making it interesting”. As every zombie film ever will tell you, the real monsters are man. And I’m with @daela, it feels like he’s expressing a dangerous notion that he’s got nothing to lose now and is about to do something drastic and it makes me feel fucking sick.
October 27, 2017 at 6:37 pm #26652KevinParticipant
While this was heartbreaking to watch, by the end of it, I was left with a small measure of…hope? (I assume that hope will almost immediately be shattered into a million pieces, but let me have it for a second.) I may be alone in thinking this, but the end of Morgan’s speech and the glimmer of a smile on his face as he drove off made it seem like he’s found a positive direction to go in. Maybe it is, as some posited on Slack, a reckless smile, and he’s about to go do something drastic because he’s got nothing to lose. Maybe he’s realized that the only way he can find peace is to walk away completely. Or maybe it was a moment of clarity and his way forward is clear now.
@111error Whatever the case may be, I hope that talking through it and having the chance to make your own version of a Noah video helped you, and helped you find a connection to us all that you may have thought was lost completely. Those Noah videos helped me (and many others) realize that we weren’t alone with all of our bullshit. I hope you know you aren’t alone in all of this either.
October 27, 2017 at 8:29 pm #26653ChloeParticipant
I sincerely hope you aren’t going to do anything hugely reckless like a lot of us are thinking @111error, but ultimately, the choice is up to you. I haven’t been off BOS’s side since we first started with Midnight, and I won’t start now.
I do hope that talking through your problems, and making your own version of a Noah vid, has helped. You aren’t alone, none of us are in the long run, no matter how much we may think we are.
October 29, 2017 at 2:15 pm #26718KortneyParticipant
I watched this when it surfaced and I felt like I couldn’t comment on it because of, you know, everything. And then Bryan’s whole “Do you always do what they tell you to do?” thing with Joyce really fucked me up because I have desperately wanted to talk to Morgan since being told not to- but I felt like I needed to follow instructions (as well as like- the kid threatened me in the same call. I feel like safety was also at risk).
And with watching this, I’m not sure if I made the right call with my decision. I don’t think I actually know enough yet to know what I’m doing.
Morgan, I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what I want anymore. I feel like I betrayed you as a friend when I didn’t help you, join you- whatever you wanted to get out of me. And I fucking hate that. At the time, I was just wanting to be someone who wasn’t every-day me and go on the path that seemed like the roughest and worst for me. In your video you ask “What did you gain?” and my answer is…. nothing. Seemingly, nothing. And to counter that, I lost a lot. I lost you. And I know what you’ve lost- and you touched on it in this video but we both know that you’re willing to lose a lot more. You’re willing to completely destroy yourself for us. And I don’t want you to do that, because you shouldn’t have to. You’ve lost so much for us and you shouldn’t lose more because of us. I’m sorry Morgan… let me, us, know what we can do to help.
October 29, 2017 at 11:38 pm #26720Lauren BelloModerator
I don’t think I actually know enough yet to know what I’m doing…I don’t know what I want anymore.
I think it’s fair to say that none of us know yet what we’re doing. But maybe that’s the point. As we blunder through the fog, we learn what we hope to see on the other side.
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