September 9, 2017 at 6:31 am #24417MeganParticipant
To be clear, it wasn’t what Mason did last night that really got to me.
(Warning: some meta content ahead. You know I love the meta.)
Ironically I’d been talking to another friend/colleague yesterday about Mason & what he was doing, and what she and I suspected he was doing. She’s another immersive/ARG creator who just wrapped up her own incredibly intense psychological project and we occasionally discuss…wait for it…ethics in immersive theatre together. These conversations almost always follow this same outline:
She: “How do they know that YOU can handle THIS – if something goes wrong with one of their players, the burden is on them?”
Me: “You are missing (many larger points that I have already endlessly covered here and also) the fact that I know I have some responsibility myself here too. I walked into this. I knew what was going on. I asked for it. Like, literally. If you look up “asking for it” in the dictionary, my picture is right there.”
She: “Not everyone is going to see it that way. Not everyone is an edge player. What do YOU get out of this?”
Me: “The chance to do what is probably one of the few things that actually scares me – give up control. Be vulnerable. Even knowing it’s going to bring pain.”
The file he had on me said “muted emotional response.” They’ve not been able to get out of me what they wanted for the last 18 months. And then on Thursday night, they did. Finally. It scared the shit out of me.
It did not crush me. It did not “destroy my heart.” It shocked me that he didn’t toy with me for longer, but I knew it was coming eventually. I took a bath and watched Guardians of the Galaxy 2.
Earlier I had said to @bcbishop that the repeated calls from Mason reminded me of this book I’d read, “The Forked Tongue,” by a guy named Flagg. Someone had used some of its material on me several years ago. With my consent. It’s the kind of thing that someone like Mason shouldn’t be given.
So I’m left with several questions that might not have answers, ever, and that’s fine. Has Mason “solved” me and moved on? If so, maybe I can get some sleep now. Is this just one experiment of many of his to see what I do, and he’s going to start calling again? Is fucking with me all a part of fucking with Bryan? He seems to be all about pushing hard on two people who are interested in having 100% honest, present, emotional experiences, not playing games.
I don’t expect anyone to understand the choices I make here.
Take a step back and look at what’s going on. There are no true separation to these groups or “sides” everyone is taking. They’re all just variables in an experiment. We are lab rats.
September 9, 2017 at 10:05 pm #24436MeganParticipant
He called again tonight. He seems upset with me. I’m going back to sleep.
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